And Still We Rise
The "And Still We Rise" Podcast (formally known as The Ego Project), is hosted by mental health therapist and group practice owner, Cristine Seidell. It is a space where look deeper into our limiting beliefs or behavioral patterns, seek to understand our authentic self and find new and exciting ways to celebrate the radiance we are meant to bring into the word. Through unscripted and unedited conversations with thought-leaders, therapists, spiritualists, and creatives, And Still We Rise explores how childhood wounding and intentional healing impacts our lives.
And Still We Rise
Commitment with Purpose: Navigating Relationships Authentically
Allison Robinson returns to continue our conversation on conscious dating, focusing on how to intentionally navigate the process of meeting potential partners and establishing authentic connections.
• Approaching dating with a mindset of worthiness and confidence rather than scarcity
• Focusing on learning from each connection rather than making every relationship work
• The importance of authenticity when communicating with potential partners
• Understanding the difference between dating someone for who they are versus their potential
• Why behavior is a more reliable indicator than words when evaluating compatibility
• Recognizing red, yellow, and green flags in dating relationships
• How a person responds to boundaries is one of the clearest indicators of relationship potential
• The value of trusting your body's intuitive responses when dating
• Giving yourself permission to end connections that don't feel right without needing a dramatic reason
Join us next time as we discuss conscious commitment and the transition from dating to committed relationships.
Thank you for tuning into And Still WE Rise! If you would like to learn more about me or the work our practice is doing, feel free to follow us on Instagram at:
@atltherapygirl and @risetherapycenter
Or check us out at www.risetherapycenter.com
Disclaimer: And Still We Rise is meant to provide perspective and meaningful conversations around mental health topics. It is not meant to provide specific therapeutic advise to individuals. If anything in these podcasts resonates, ASWR recommends consulting with your individual therapist or seeking a referral from your primary care physician.
Hello and welcome to and Still we Rise. I'm your host, Christine Seidel, and today we have Allison Robinson returning to continue our conversation on conscious dating. Welcome, Allison. Thanks, Happy to be back. Yeah, so very, very excited to have you back and we could probably do 60 series, like 60 episodes on this series, because there's so many things to talk about and you've probably already listened to the episode prior to this one. But if you haven't, just go back, listen to a little bit of that you'll hear at bio and introduction of Allison and the work that she's doing at Rise Therapy Center. And so we're going to get back into our conversation of conscious dating. Last episode we kind of talked about a little bit more of that like self work and what you needed to kind of prepare for. Now we're going to get into kind of the meat of putting yourself out there. So what are some of the main things you need to be kind of prepared for or be intentional and conscious of as you step out into dating?
Speaker 2:So I think that one of the biggest things is having a healthy mindset regarding dating and a healthy mindset about who you are. So one of the biggest ones is just having this belief that I am worthy of receiving the love that I desire, because when we feel like we're worthy of receiving that love that you know we've already we talked about in the previous episode evaluating our wants and our needs and what we're searching for, we're much more confident in you know, telling ourselves it's okay if this connection doesn't work out and focusing on the direction that we want to go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that that self-work of getting to that mindset of like I'm worthy of what it is I desire and that I I can be in a place of dating confidently and without a feeling of scarcity, I think that really sets you up to have a better dating experience.
Speaker 1:You know, when we go into dating with a little bit of this doubt or hesitation, we tend to receive that in the dating experience and then, you know, kind of puts us into that cycle of fear of like am I ever going to find somebody? Is it ever going to happen for me? So, really being in that place of like I'm going into dating knowing who I am, what I, what I bring to this world, and I'm not going to be disheartened if it doesn't turn out right away. So you know, really being in that secure and confident place. So what about when you start meeting people? How do you maintain a mindset Like what are some things to be really mindful of? As you're going into the interfacing of people, where you know, as therapists we know that's where we start getting a little staticky is when we are kind of confronted with other people that may or may not be mirroring, you know, what we authentically feel like we're putting out there or we may be triggering people and people may be triggering us.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think one of the things that I feel like is most important when you're in this space of like speaking, companionship is like the goal is to to meet your life partner. For a lot of us in the in the dating world, however, when you're approaching a date on like a standalone basis, the goal really shouldn't be. I want this relationship to work like this this is, this is my person. So, and instead redirecting it to what can I learn from this person, what can I benefit out of this connection, and something. Um, in a previous relationship, we were going through this uh, you know evaluation process and we're deciding whether or not to enter commitment, and we knew we had a clash in values and goals and, you know, I wasn't far enough along in my journey to kind of um, just kind of disengage, but it was. It turned out to be for for the good, because I learned a lot because something that he said was I never want to hurt you and.
Speaker 2:I want to leave you better than I found you. And then we decided to end it because we reached a certain part and was like, if we don't end it, then we're not gonna fulfill that goal, and that was something that I carried on as I met future connections. It was like what can I learn from this? How can I benefit this person's life? How can they benefit my life in this moment, whether or not we continue?
Speaker 2:on past tonight and that led for like a lot more authentic connection and um and no expectation on either end, and it was sometimes it was just authentic and genuine communication. Sometimes I learned parts about myself. They would point out inconsistencies in what I was saying. Yeah right right, yeah, yeah. So, like you know, we're growing in this, and then I realized like, as I kind of had, this mindset and the attachment to this working out started lessening, I started meeting a lot more people that were much more compatible.
Speaker 1:I love kind of that, that growth mindset of like, what can I learn through this process?
Speaker 1:Not like how can I find the one?
Speaker 1:You know it's more about, let me just step into this moment and then learn what I need to learn and step into the next moment that takes so much pressure off of yourself to be, you know, in this energy of like, um, achieving, you know achievement, culture, like I have to find the one, but rather like, let me be available to learn through this, because as I learn, I grow and as I grow I change, and you know it's all for this, like self empowerment, and so really having the mindset that like, yes, ultimately, maybe I am seeking commitment and I'm very clear in what I allow, what I don't allow, what I I'm available for, what I'm not available for, but let me not become so constructed in the process that I'm not learning.
Speaker 1:And you know, because we can kind of get stuck in relationships longer than we need to be because we aren't really available, we're too, we're too constricted in like what we need it to be, which brings me up to like that whole yes, but this person has such great potential, we have so much fun. Like, ah, how do you grapple with that, like, how do you keep your mindset still in a good place when you may be seeing, like, all this great potential in a relationship, but what's actually occurring isn't mirroring that?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think it comes back to authenticity and when we kind of approach it for that mindset of like I'm not seeking for this person's work, I'm seeking long term partnership, I'm seeking commitment. I'm not seeking it with this individual, because what that does is.
Speaker 2:It helps us be true to ourselves in those connections, because sometimes when we go into it and we're like I want this person's work because they have this, they have that, they're who I want, they're everything right, they're everything that I think I'm seeking. Sometimes we put on a front and you know, we're not being ourselves, and that can lead to a couple different things happening, and one of those, you know, they think that we're the person of their dreams.
Speaker 1:We go through this.
Speaker 2:And then we don't live up to their expectation. That's an unhealthy dynamic, or we spend the whole relationship continuing to fake that, that persona that we put on yeah and drain ourselves in the process and the other part of it is, you know, when we do show up authentically, we are confronting that fear of rejection, because it is scary to completely put yourself out there, flaws and all, and say this person could either love me as I am or see me and reject that.
Speaker 2:And just because we may not be liked by certain people, it doesn't mean that we're unlikable and so we're confronting that belief as well, because we're giving someone the opportunity to say you know, I don't think you're my person, just like we're trying to do for them and and and that we're, we're being true to ourselves and we're you know. If that were to happen and someone doesn't see us as the compatible partner, we can start to work on that belief and just say I still have value, even though I don't fit this person's life that I really, I really want to be with and it's, it's. It can be hurtful, but you know it can be tricky.
Speaker 1:It can be very tricky and I think that, like, hopefully in that self-work phase you've kind of been able to like grapple a lot of that out, but they can, you know, those situations can sneak in where you're like gosh, all of this person marks, all of these boxes.
Speaker 1:But there is this one thing that, like, is so starkly contrast to like what I authentically want, and we can go into this very codependent type of behavior where, like, let me shift and change part of myself in order to, you know, get what I want from this person. And you know, at the end of the day, like that in itself is that's kind of manipulating not only ourselves but somebody else, and you do kind of have to be very conscious about like this is something that was non negotiable for me. Or, you know, I see all of these great possibilities that this person could become and they say the right thing and they, you know they set the intention, and yet their behavior is very different than what they're saying. And so, really being in communication with yourself, in communication with your support system, just to hear and see what it is that you need to hear, so you don't get stuck in that trap of trying to manipulate something for what it could be versus what it is right now yeah, and I love that, yeah, yeah, go.
Speaker 2:Ahead oh, sorry, I didn't cut y'all no, yeah, that kind of goes right into, you know the dating for potential or and or not dating for potential and dating, for you know who that person actually is. Um, because there's a lot of times we, you know, we see like these aspects of this person, like, oh, like this is what I would do if I was in their shoes and we kind of project like who they become and we completely negate.
Speaker 2:They might be completely happy with who they are and they might be fine right, yeah, yeah perfectly okay. You know, sometimes there's areas where you know we should want to grow, but there's sometimes where it's like, no, like I like myself in these thoughts.
Speaker 2:It might not be compatible with what you're considering potential and you're hearing someone you know say all the right things and you're seeing their behavior not lining up. What I tell people is, if they couldn't speak, they couldn't communicate verbally. Or if you're writing, what would their behavior tell you about? How they feel about you and who they are as a person. Because behavior is a language and it's honestly the most.
Speaker 1:Because it shows us, your values yeah, yeah, yeah it. It's a form of communication, when you know we we learned that at the very earliest of all the stages of life is behavior to get some type of attendance. So it's something that that we continue to use and I think that's a great point. So, when you talk about authenticity, you know how important is that when you go into the spaces of communicating with people you know, dating is a funny, fickle thing.
Speaker 1:You know, there's so many stories out there that are like oh, I met so and so they said they wanted this type of relationship. But like then, all of a sudden, they ghosted me. Like what, how do you, how do you need to move into that space of like authenticity when it comes to meeting and communicating with people?
Speaker 2:we might tell people like hey, like I don't, you know you did this thing or I don't like that, and instead trying to shift it into hey, like when I noticed, when you did this, I was feeling this way inside myself. And, you know, I think it might be because of this other factor and I'm just wondering if there's a way where we can navigate through that and try to figure out. Like you know, am I seeing things unclearly or kind of like what's your intention behind this?
Speaker 2:Because this is how we feel that I don't know if I'm necessarily even right to feel that way. I don't know if that's just my.
Speaker 1:I love that you kind of formulated that as like, feel secure enough to ask questions if you see discrepancies, you know to seek clarification. If somebody is putting out there like I'm looking for something serious and saying all these things and then yet has no time or making you know the investment and getting to know each other a priority, to be able to say, hey, you know, is this something that you're still interested in pursuing or have you changed your mind or whatever, and giving people the autonomy and agency to do that, I think a lot of people, you know, with our ghosting culture, you know they will ghost because they don't want to have an authentic conversation and communication about, maybe a change in feelings or maybe a change in, like, their focus of their life. You know, it doesn't always have to be something like that feels so rejecting. It could just be like I'm just not in a space right now where I thought I was.
Speaker 1:You know, and if we, if we aren't in a place, I think, as individuals, to go into dating with, being able to be authentic in our communication, being authentic in what our intentions are, we probably need to go back and do a little bit of that self-work If it feels really uncomfortable to tell somebody, hey, like I had a great time with you, but I'm really having more of a friend vibe, like if we can't say that, then we probably need to go back and do a little bit more work, because playing games, you know waiting, you know 35 minutes before you text back like that's inauthentic energy and somewhere there's going to be static that comes from that. So I think it's not only important to look at that in the people that we're interacting with, but like, look at ourselves and be like wait a minute. Why am I having such a hard time saying this is a friend connection, or this, that and the other? What is it? What is it within me that's so uncomfortable with that?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, and I hear, um, I hear it a lot from from women, um, you know, the ghosting is a little bit more popular with how they experience that, and I've also heard it from some of my male friends and, like you know, people that I've dated where you know they kind of are talking about their growth experiences.
Speaker 2:Like you know, it comes from a place of like I don't, you know, I still care about this person, like I don't want to hurt them, I don't want to tell them. You know that I'm not feeling it anymore. But yeah, there's one guy I was talking to and he was like like like the hope is kind of what can fuel it with women?
Speaker 1:that get.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't have to take their hope out back and kind of shoot it like in a in a way that's caring and loving, but like, yeah, you know, leaving that that, like you know, hot and cold, it's kind of doing more damage. I think that happens, um, when men experience it too. Yeah, as well, because you're just kind of hanging on and you're in that back and forth and it's, you know, a lot of people are trying to not hurt one another, but the caring thing to do is honestly be more authentic in our communication and be like you're a great person.
Speaker 2:I believe you deserve all these good things in life. I either don't feel like I can provide them for you or kind of these are things that I feel like are important to me, and I don't want you to change who you are to meet my needs because that's unfair to both of us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that that goes to, like you know, in your self-worth, getting prepared to have a lot more mental and emotional tenacity to go through the dating process to just be like, just let it be an enjoyable process, without like a lot of pressure and constructions within, like you know, people that are willing to meet and this that and the other meat, and this that and the other, because I think that that becomes like a vessel for the resistance chicken and meat. Now I will say in full disclosure I have ghosted a few, but only when they have rolled up with those red flags and I was like no, we're not even going to get.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and and sometimes you do kind of have to for your safety, because sometimes you can see certain red flags where it's kind of like, okay, there's certain personalities where it's like the best way to stay safe is to just not respond, because they communicate strictly through conflict and then basically they take that hurt and that shame that they're going to experience it and they could, they could be threatening that. You know I've experienced that as well with you know they felt rejection and and they, you know, kind of got a little crazy on me. So to stay in touch with yourself and trust your intuition on when and ask yourself is am I choosing to ghost or because I am protecting myself and this is what's the best thing to do, or is it that I just don't feel safe in communicating these feelings? I don't want to hurt this person.
Speaker 2:And that's a hard line sometimes. So I think, it's just about like being genuine to yourself and knowing what is the appropriate way to navigate those individual observations.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely so. Let's talk a little bit about flags Like what would red, yellow, green, like what would they kind of be indicating and can you give us some examples?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So first of all, let's start with red flags, because those are the first ones that you want to identify before you even get to like green flags, because red flags? Are automatic no's, they're just like? Absolutely not, I will not deal with this and those can kind of vary from person to person, based on what you're willing to tolerate, to be honest. So, um, but I think, in just like in those situations like dishonesty, like if you can't, don't have trust in a relationship, what do you have? Um?
Speaker 2:controlling behavior, like if I can't be myself and I have to be who you want me to be. You know that's typically like straight red flag. Um, you know so, lying, cheating, um, you know all of those things. And, um, when we get to yellow flags, those are the kind, those are the ones we want to kind of watch, like it doesn't mean, like it's an automatic, like I'm going to like cut off immediately. Those can, those can look like maybe a difficulty with emotional availability, and I say that's a yellow flag because it could go either way, because they might be trying to date intentionally and they might be like I'm not going to put all of myself out there and be completely vulnerable before, like you know, two to three months, like you know.
Speaker 1:I'll gradually increase vulnerability.
Speaker 2:But you know I'm not jumping all in until I know what I'm jumping all into. So, yeah, that's when you kind of got to watch, if you feel that so they should be kind of increasing and their ability to connect emotionally.
Speaker 2:And if they're just kind of staying level and you've been dating like four or five months, that probably is a sign of genuine emotional unavailability and not right right then being cautious so the yellow flags are kind of where you get a sense that there's an area that they are experiencing maybe some discomfort or difficulties, and it's something that you, you know.
Speaker 1:It's not harmful, it's not dangerous, it's not rooted in conflict, but it's an indicator that it may be difficult to establish a safe, secure connection with this person longer term. So it's not necessarily overtly harmful, but it could be. If it doesn't get addressed, if it's not communicated, if it's bypassed or avoided, it could ultimately become a red flag that you've invested a lot of time and energy into, a red flag that you've invested a lot of time and energy into yeah, and another example is the complete opposite of that.
Speaker 2:They're jumping all in and like they're like excessive, complimenting their future planning, and it could be like I've heard of situations where like no, like I knew she was going to be my wife or my husband on the first date. I still, you know, approach things slow, sometimes yeah, sometimes no. Sometimes, you know, you jump all in and it works. Sometimes it doesn't right so um there's no, there's no strict formula here exactly yeah, that would be considered a yellow flag. Because you're like, you just met me, like why are you saying?
Speaker 2:that like I'm the love of your life on all these things, like we've been on three dates like come on now, yeah yeah, but at the same time they could just know super early and they could just be very intuitive. So, um, you just kind of want to watch that behavior and see okay is this starting to fizzle out? Is this shifting to okay, she's, she or he isn't jumping all in the same. Let me start attacking or you know trying to do like backhanded compliments to decrease their their self worth.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's, that's an. You know, I think it sounds like the yellow flags can be really tricky If you have not really done a lot of your own work to know how you like, what your defense mechanisms are or an end, or how you validate or pace things. You know, because that could be, you know what looks like a yellow flag can come from a very genuine place. Maybe this person is just really excited about getting to know you and feels like a very strong connection. But if they get angry or combative when you don't endorse it or when you don't commit, you know they start becoming very resentful that you're not giving them that validation in return. Red flag.
Speaker 1:If they said I understand, like you don't have to tell me how you feel right now. I just genuinely, you know, want to communicate that to you. That's a green flag that's saying, hey, I give you autonomy and agency, just like I have. And in mine, I want to share that with you. And you know so that yellow flag is just a place to say pause. And you know we've talked a lot about mindset.
Speaker 1:But I think so much of this is we experience it in our body. How does my body feel when somebody may be coming with something that looks like a yellow flag and I confront it in a healthy way, because I've been doing this work and I'm comfortable and confident to confront things. How does my body feel when I do that and that person responds? It's a huge indicator of what direction these flags are going to go.
Speaker 1:If our body is feeling like overstimulated, overwhelmed, like it wants to contract, that's a red flag. We need to trust our body, even if our mind is saying, yeah, but like also, like all this potential. And you know he came back and apologized, you know. So I think this is, you know we've talked about mindset so much of this is we also experience it in our bodies to when we're in that place of like. What trajectory is this going to go? When, when I place kind of a boundary or or a line in a not in the sand, but just a line to see what this actually is, how does this person respond? And that that tends to be a good indicator of what side is that going to go?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think that's a good lead. And to green flies, because in all of those scenarios where you know you have those yellow flags and maybe, like we talked about before, you've done the work and you're comfortable addressing those in a way, that's like hey, like you know, I'm noticing this. This is how I feel. How are they respecting those boundaries? That?
Speaker 2:you set Like how are they responding to like, for example, like hey, you know, I I feel like a little bit overwhelmed by you know, how quickly you know you're wanting to move and and how quickly you're like wanting to progress this relationship, and if they are kind of trying to talk you out of like feeling that way like that's definitely a red flag. But if they're like you know what I see, where you're coming from, and I just wanted to you know, tell you how I felt. But we can take things at this pace and I'm going to kind of back off and give you space.
Speaker 2:I'm not can take things at this pace and I'm going to kind of back off and give you space.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to come on as strong and I'm going to respect that boundary that you have there and be, intentional with growing in this relationship rather than trying to like steal the deal right now right, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that it's such a you know, people who can can be in discomfort and and be somewhat, you know, see things as somewhat difficult. You know, maybe I really want to be in this relationship right now and like we can go have fun and we and I have all these things in my mind that we could be doing, but like she's not ready or he's not ready, let me pause, like that's kind of difficult for me and it's not what I really want to do, but I, I prefer this person to have like their own agency and making that decision, then feel the pressure if they can regulate themselves in that discomfort. That's a big.
Speaker 1:That's such a big green flag, like such a huge because all of a sudden, yeah, because then you feel safe to be able to like, move forward in the way that feels authentic to you. And I think green flags do feel safe and they feel safe consistently. You know this conversation has to come up or this boundary has to be placed, and that person is able to say, okay, I respect that I, you know able to say, okay, I respect that I, you know I'll respond appropriately to it, or I may disagree, this is what I'm seeing and and they're able to come up with some other type of like, understanding of how to navigate that if they, if you, still consciously want to pursue that, I think that that's, you know, such a miss like understood. You know situations that a lot of times, before couples even come together to a commitment, they've had some of this pacing difficulty and it's in that pacing difficulty that you really get to see who somebody is and where they're at and their availability to be a healthy, secure partner. And so if you, if you're not experiencing any of that like whether it's like, maybe you know somebody has kids and the other person doesn't have kids, and so if you, if you're not experiencing any of that like whether it's like, maybe you know somebody has kids and the other person doesn't have kids, and so the availability is decreased.
Speaker 1:Like, how does that like come up when you're kind of talking about, like you know, setting time and getting to know each other? It could be a myriad of things, but it's in that, in that dating phase, that you need to have a little bit of that static to see how does somebody navigate that static. And if you don't, if everything is like easy and wonderful, it's coming, it's coming. And it's better to have a little of that before commitment, because once you're in commitment, there is a little bit of resistance, because you've most likely had a declaration, Maybe you've introduced family and friends, Maybe you posted on social media Heaven forbid. And now, yeah right, Like now that there's this commitment, you're now seeing these things that have to be addressed, but they may be yellow or red, and there's a much harder transition into that and it's much more difficult to confront it when you get to that place.
Speaker 2:So yeah, yeah, and I think the biggest things with the green flags are like respect, effective communication, emotional intelligence, trust, and in that situation that you just talked about, where the person is respecting those boundaries and communicating like they're demonstrating all of those green flags with that behavior, and so you, you can truly just kind of you know, decipher, you know what. What is this like thing that I'm experiencing like?
Speaker 1:am.
Speaker 2:I is. Is this a red flag or a green flag? And and so with that, you um are are just able to try to see who they are, how and how they're going to communicate in the relationship, because that's kind of what you're evaluating because relationships like the biggest thing is healthy communication, so you're really able to see in the now, like you just said, yeah, okay, who are? They? How are they going to express their feelings toward me? How are they going to express their hurt or their anger, or their feelings of inadequacy?
Speaker 1:within their relationship.
Speaker 2:So it just tells you so much.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think you know also going through this process like part of getting to know people is being vulnerable with who you are too, and you know, I mean, I may have had a couple of little yellow flags myself I probably still have them now every once in a while but I think, like being available to also, you know, be in a place of compassion and understanding and vulnerability yourself.
Speaker 1:This isn't about like here's the matrix of what somebody needs to bring to me and they need to provide, but being open to vulnerability, of like when you may have been a little bit of a yellow flag, to be open to communication and say, hey, listen, like I am in my avoidant recovery and I was way over stimulated with work and so any type of like, you know, pull, pull on me made me want to like just shut down. But that's something I'm working on and I want to, I want to come in and process that with you. That's so important to be somebody who's also, like, conscious and cognizant of their own flags, you know, and and being able to talk about them with the people that are are pursuing them or that they are pursuing. So all of that to say I mean, I'm glad I'm not out there.
Speaker 2:Dating it's tough, it's tough and I want something that you said that I wanted to get your opinion on when you were talking about. Like you know, I have my yellow flags and they they're probably still there. I'm wondering what your thoughts are. It's like you're meeting someone and for the first, like part of your dating, you're not seeing any red or yellow flags. Is that a red flag? Are they being inauthentic and putting on a front?
Speaker 1:that a red flag? Are they being inauthentic and putting on a front? Yeah, I mean, I think that that is definitely something that if all you're seeing is green flags, you really need to pay attention to your body and seeing. What is my intuition saying and am I giving this person enough access to see them with, with the level of vulnerability that people need to be seen? And, you know, am I seeing him or her in different environments, with different people, among different people that I know, you know, with people that are of higher status or lower status? Am I providing enough environments for me to really observe this person in in that state and to be honest with you, like there is like six or 7% of the population that have those really secure attachments?
Speaker 1:But if somebody seems like a green flag, let's say they've never been in a long-term commitment they are 50 years old, like there are some things that, developmentally, you can go back and look and say I'm curious as to why these developmental phases maybe didn't occur. And those are the type of questions I would start bringing up to people who are nothing but a bunch of green flags, because I would like to know is that avoidance, or is that just a lack of access, or whatever it is, and see how people respond. If you are not validating all the green flags because that in and of itself is a, is a red flag, that if you can't see you know something that might be a yellow flag. I'm not saying there's red flags to be like. You know well, we'll let those go because all of these are green. I'm saying there should be some yellow flags. You're not seeing any. That's something to talk about.
Speaker 2:And if they aren't receptive to that, then that's a red flag yeah and and something that you know you mentioned there, like that's um, that's a red flag, it's like they're not open to talk about it or after you kind of point out these other things, but it's kind of also a red flag in you If you're putting on these rose colored glasses that you haven't done all your self work if you're meeting this person you've been dating months and you're like this person's never done anything wrong and they could never have anything wrong with them.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, and I think that's one of the unfortunate things of, you know, being out in the dating world and genuinely doing that self-work and doing that healing work is it's, and people learn to say the right things, and so it's so important, when we talk about potential versus behavior, that you do give yourself time and somebody else time to see who you are and they are, over the course of a consistent amount of situations.
Speaker 1:And you know it's as therapists, we know like masking is a real thing and you know we have to go into dating intentional and conscious, but also recognize it's. It's a place of play and we're here to enjoy our, our space, Cause we, we genuinely want a partner to be a pleasure to be with and enjoyable. But we can't do that if we're, if we're just, you know, taking everything at face value and and we are masking ourselves, and that's the whole. The whole point of this series is what are some things, what are some highlights that you need to be aware of for yourself, so that you can step into that and then see if others are actually in that same space with you, or have they just learned how to show up to that table, or if they just learned how to show up to that table.
Speaker 1:So, even though I'm not dating, I love my partner, happily coupled. But I think with some of these, some of this advice, I'd feel better getting out there if that was where I was at. So I appreciate you sharing that with us. And is there any other advice you would give to our listeners or our viewers around you know any other things to be mindful of as you step into dating in a very conscious way?
Speaker 2:yeah, I think it's also about um. We were talking about the, the red flags and, like you were mentioned, like does my body feel safe? And I think a big, big thing that a lot of people don't do is give yourself permission to leave or end a relationship or not enter one if it just doesn't feel right. You don't need a big reason, you don't need them to do something if you just don't, aren't feeling it for whatever reason. You are fully within your right to end that connection and you're worthy to do so Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that's great advice, that you know, I think especially for women, just because we've been generationally kind of conditioned to be compliant and pleasing women, just because we've been generationally kind of conditioned to be compliant and pleasing, that, you know, if something feels off and something just is, is is genuinely just kind of a no for you, it's okay to say no, it's okay to say you know, it's not a match, that you don't owe any anybody, anything. And that was something I definitely said in dating like you don't owe me anything, I don't know you anything. We're just getting to know each other. Cause people be like oh, I'm sorry I didn't text you Good morning or good night. I'm like, please don't. Like I don't want, I don't, I don't need more texts to respond to because, like you don't owe me that, like I, I have. No, I have no expectation of that. And in return, if, if I say no to dating like I don't owe you a date, just because you texted me good morning or good evening or whatever you know, for three days in a row, I don't owe you a date. So really understanding that as you step into that space, like you, the only person you are committed to at that point is yourself.
Speaker 1:That's it so, which leads us into our next episode and our next series, which is going to be about conscious commitment. You know how to enter into that. What are some of the highlights and the things to be aware of and the steps to take as you're ready to come out of the dating field and make a committed relationship, and I'm excited to hear more about that and just your advice and suggestions for all of our listeners. So, thank you, allison. As always, it's a pleasure to have you on here, and I know we're going to have many, many more series and episodes around relationships, as that's something you're so gifted in.
Speaker 1:And I know we're going to have many, many more series and episodes around relationships, as that's something you're so gifted in, and I would just recommend anybody who is looking for some couples work or individual work around relationships to reach out. Part of what she brings is just her authenticity and and her genuine acceptance of where people are at and and really working towards where they want to be. So thank you, alison, for joining. Thank you to all of our listeners and viewers. We'll see you guys next time. Bye, bye.
